a slight hint at instability

buhbye

2005-09-25T00:35:00.000+08:00

say more by speaking less

yeah, you jump thru the big hoop

2005-07-26T22:10:00.000+08:00

"I think you are blind to the fact
That the hand you hold is the hand that holds you down"

-everclear , 'everything to everyone'

'she's become an easy target'

heh......nothing easy about this one.....

but i'll be better as a friend to her than as anything else.....

so i'm gonna do the one easy thing and walk away.....trying not to bleed as i bite my lip.....

easy.....

2005-07-25T00:18:00.000+08:00

perfect setting

2005-07-25T00:17:00.001+08:00

traces....

2005-07-25T00:17:00.000+08:00

do you see the blood from when you might fall down these stairs?

2005-07-25T00:15:00.001+08:00

seedy.....but who sowed the seeds?

2005-07-25T00:15:00.000+08:00

transitory space

2005-07-25T00:14:00.000+08:00

urban strife

2005-07-25T00:13:00.000+08:00

whats beyond the vanishing point?

good crit, bad crit

2005-07-20T01:29:00.000+08:00

sick.........i am sickkk...........

2005-07-16T15:25:00.000+08:00

Scenario : A man walks in to the bedroom holding a sheep. His wife is lying on the bed reading.
He then says : This is the pig i have sex with when u've got a headache.
She says: I think you'll find that that's a sheep.
He says: I think you'll find that i was talking to the sheep.

heh....stole that off ragi's blog.....speaking of my sweet-smelling friend,she must be half-way to austrailia by now....sigh....i quite miss her already....was a shame i had to leave so early last night.....ah well....family committments eh?haha.....

so i was talking to Larry "the new theory lecturer" Siow yesterday....and he seems intent on making my brain spontaneously combust.....he took one look at my project,which he was quite seduced by just a week earlier,and went "so?".....

"so"......

"is the space better than it was before you introduced this in?".....somebody friggin kill me la.....and i had to have a copy of Parallax by Steven Holl on my desk.....he picked it up while i was pondering my answer and told me to read the first couple of chapters "and we'll discuss it later".....mannn.....we did....and he was doing to me with theory of design what tyson did to holyfield with his ear.....or something liddat la....but he did push me to think a little deeper....he was quite sure i had an answer.....and promised that once i found it, i'd "explode" for my next project.....aww shucks.....fuckit la....

no sleep for me this weekend.....

not that i can sleep well normally at this juncture.....for the last few nights my mind has been pummeling me with subconcious deriviation......i actually had a dream that i was sleeping on of the sloping acrylic planes in my project.....

and then of course....there are internal arguements about the up-to-now unmentioned miss x.....its like my brain insists on addressing these issues that i try to ignore and my nocturnal emmissions take the form of silent screams....

i dream about being so close to her that i notice how sweet her hair smells.....something only hitero afforded we brush pass each other all to briefly...i dream about talking to her and holding her and not being afraid and kissing her gently while she rests her head on my chest.....

and i hate it.....i don't want to.....i've elevated lying to myself to an artform....i can almost always nonchalantly brush aside the pain caused by the deepest thorn in my side....'cept this time it's different cos i don't wanna....cos its been to long and i'm just too tired of going through the motions and ending up in the same place,just taking a longer time to get there each time...

i wish i could walk away,that i could just find someone else who excites and attracts me as much.....but as long as she's the benchmark,its just gonna be like finding another her....

"you are the prototype"

and that would make me the crash-test dummy....

all in me

2005-07-10T12:13:00.000+08:00

man......the weekend's nearly over and i haven't done anything....shite.....ah well,i'll figure smth out la.....

friday night was a helluva night....can't remember quite abit.....i swear,next time,i'm NOT gonna go in at nine and drink till twelve and get up halfway to go somewhere.....where exactly i doubt i ever knew or ever will know.....

and the worst part?i think i got really depressed and just sat there for what felt like about ten mins but was more like an hour according to a reliable source......all because the reliable source had to ask about an unreliable matter of the heart.....

something that makes me sit at home most nights doing my work while listening to stupid pop songs in a dark room all by myself.....

i feel so uncertain.....among so many other things.....but screw it.....i got noone to blame but myself.....if i want it,i just have to reach out and grab it....

in the mean time,i need to find a respite from the 98 degrees,otown and simple plan songs that i all too easily identify with.....somehow,the old days of rushing back home after school to listen to staind songs while cooped up in my room seems to have an almost nostalgic effect to it.....

anyhoot.....i'm off to try and get started.....wish me luck....

Another day, is going by
I'm thinkin' about you all the time
But you're out there
And I'm here waiting

And I, wrote this letter, in my head
Cuz' so many things were left unsaid
But now you're gone
And I can't think straight
-yeap.....simpur plan.....

sweet illusions

2005-07-02T12:32:00.000+08:00

the tears are welling in my eyes again
i need twenty big buckets to catch them in
twenty pretty girls to carry them down
twenty big holes to bury them in

heh.....my lecturer faris lent me two awesome cds.....seems he was worried i wasn't expanding my musical plateau far enough with the loud shtuff......

the verse is from nick cave and the bad seeds....funny how i was thinking bout checking em out and he literally drops the cd on my table the next day.....thats the thing i miss about last year.....somehow,in the middle of all the stress,faris would come up to me and talk to me about snoop doggy dogg or the smiths or rem koolhaas or mystic pagenism......awesome shite.....we kinda got the whole repoire going.....like,we just like talking to each other....maybe in another life,we could be brothers....me,him and russel....yeah....

we were all in the sentimental mood the other evening.....after sitting in for the year two's crit....we missed our lecturer's exhuberance and unrelentless expectation of our best.....the former inspiring us to meet the latter.....we missed their humour.....their guidance and the respect they paid us by not expecting us to fall prey to the shameless commercial environment....

i've always said that i've grown up alot in this course.....i've come to be able to define myself....maybe in years to come i'll go over to faris's house every tuesday after he retires and we'll talk about life,love,ethics,politics,chewing gum and indie music.....few things could come close.....mann....

this year's a bitch of an emotional rollercoaster....i always thought i'd wait till it was nearly too long before i could have her....and i have.....waited nearly too long.....but still haven't got her....

and the fact that i'm about to head out into the cold,wide world and leave the life i've become so accustomed to kinda sucks sometimes too.....i'm trading this beatiful comfort for so much incertainty.....leaving behind the people and places i've come to be very fond of.....

ah well....new beginnings from old ends eh?

man.....what a mish-mash-hodge-podge of self-elucidating rubbish.....excuse me while i go iron the creases out of my soul.....

anthemic prose part I

2005-06-24T11:03:00.000+08:00

gentlemen, today i have accumulated a certain sense of wisdom garnered over a period of time i shall refer to as anything but brief.i have achieved decent grades once again and i have moved forward,looking to the past only to wash my crutches.

gentlemen,many a man has willed turmoil and despair upon me,many a man has uttered not one kind word outside of my presence and all too many when within earshot.if they could only turn their contemptuous eyes inside for but a moment,i think we would all see the 'breaking down like a motherfucker'.

gentlemen,i only describe this pathos so as to educate.please gentlemen,calm down.the hall shall not be defiled as such!

gentlemen,the time has come that i am have raised above such petty melees. one does not need to engage himself with such activities,vile,disreputible extravagences,and expect to emerge with one's self-respect and pride unscathed.

GENTLEMEN,PLEASE CALM DOWN!

oh alright,let us recess for a reasonable period.....3 hours apt?

2005-06-15T21:55:00.000+08:00

i want facial hair like that:(

2005-06-14T22:42:00.000+08:00

my cousin shiv.....after they took the picture,he jumped off the board and promptly wet himself.....

the birth of two souls in one

2005-06-14T21:41:00.000+08:00

sometimes i wonder what that means......sometimes i know all too well.....

“Our greatest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our greatest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.
Your playing small doesn’t serve the world.
There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you.
It’s not just in some of us, it’s in ALL of us.
As we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

its from coach carter....originally from a speech by nelson mandela......which he took from marianne williamson.......nonetheless......its a powerful paragraph.......

the new foo fighters song is on constant rotation in my room,on my player and inmyhed.......sat down in the dark listening to it over and over again......it makes me feel so.........yeah.....something bout that funny C chord dave grohl uses to base the song.....

anyways....the days wear on and the dark realisation that there ain't no going back has dawned upon me.......i can't explain it,but its like that episode of buffy when willow goes 'theres smth so wrong about watching the sun come up before you've fallen asleep.....its like your on the wrong side'........its liddat la basically.....this years gonna be a big fat ugly bitch....

excerpt from one of my ramblings to one of my ramblees:
me:i saw this hot chick that i've been checking out for some time now and we were walking towards each other and i realised that she lives in sembawang too and she smiled and i kinda smiled in an awkward dumbass way and then madam chan choy ling came outta nowhere up the stairs i was turning to go down on and when i turned around again she was gone:(
ramblee:next time, smile properly:)

lets keep.... moving.... shall we?

so as your laughing at this fool tonight......

2005-06-12T00:19:00.000+08:00

let your laughter hide all that your not willing to face.....

k,thats not how it goes but this fits better....

i've told myself often enuff to not let what people have said get to me.......but.....aiya......this is fucked up la......i've never felt this shitty bout drinking after a long week...

and i haven't felt this persecuted for doing absolutely jack in a long while......and it sucks cos all this reflects on me as much as the people around me.....

fucking rubbish la.....

2005-06-05T12:22:00.000+08:00

is it too much to ask for an exchange student like this?

hear all the bells ringing out in the street

2005-06-05T11:42:00.000+08:00

and it makes me feel complete.......

i'll keep this short.......if i were to succumb to smaller-minded nihilistic temperments,i'd be led to proclaim the brief for my inaugural 3rd year project to "suck ass"......

but i am not of such sorts.....so lets just say that,even with the lack of proper academic direction,tutorial hours and general sense of reality....lets just friggin say that i will respond to this with a bridled sense of enthusiasm.........

now.......let us take a momentary pause to reflect upon this premise in silence while i gag.........

k,back........

nothing much else going on i guess,the first week in school has been pretty aight.....larry,the new theory lecturer,looks like he's on something.......which is good and bad,i'm still deciding.....just as i'm withholding judgement on his dumbass "what can the dot be?" question......apart from that.....well......lehning goh,the certified architect of hades,is my personal tutor once again.....and still believes i'm worth jack shite.....allow me to clearify,i WAS worth jack shite.....now i've moved up the evolutionary ladder and occupy the same spot of "credible speck" along with him and jojo sinclair (i swear,i dunno who he is,but his name rolls off my tongue like honey).....

and,as i've been bemoaning to yvette, NO HOT CHICKS........none,zilch,nada,zero,nought,an empty fist,a broken promise,a bark of wood on a baby's ass.....you get the idea......NO HOT CHICKS.....the humanity.....dammit.....

anyways,back to work.....

Its been awhile
Since I could look at myself straight
and it's been awhile
since i said i'm sorry
It's been awhile
Since I've seen the way the candles light your face
It's been awhile
But I can still remember just the way you taste

But everything I can't remember
as fucked up as it may seem
I know it's me
i cannot blame this on my father
he did the best he could for me

career option # 23-design journalism (?)

2005-05-30T23:59:00.000+08:00

true heart-broken lyrical sincerity.....and a bad haircut.....

we gots the style and......

2005-05-30T23:20:00.000+08:00

you gots the style.....

heh.....brit blokes are kick-ass cool la....

anyways,today was the first day of school.....which is stupid cos i only have one class on mondays and it starts at 3 and ends at 5......the whole day's shot....but its all good....didn't see any fresh meat,uhh,i mean 'pretty girls'....heh...ok la,i meant fresh meat....haha.....

buttt seriously.....just read sho's blog and i'm rather sad.....its hard to forget someone.....especially someone you've been with for a long time...and i guess doing something and sticking to it isn't as easy as it is when it comes to matters of the heart.....but i have faith she'll pull thru.....

relationships....sigh.....heard my friend got back together with his bitch of an ex too today....mann.....if only Buddha could come down give us all a swift slap in the back of our heads for our trivial sorrows.....but sorrow is anything but trivial to the....uh.....person who is sorrow-ed.....?

ya'knowww....

can't wait for tomorrow.....design studio starts proper and we'll get our briefs!(its been a bitch walking around without a brief for a good 2 months)

anyways,back to the sorrow-some topic (my gosh,u can bend that word so many ways!).....i guess time heals all eh?even if we don't want to be healed cos the bitter sting is the only thing reminding you that your alive....and all you got after that is a numbness that gives way to a dull pain everytime ryan adams croons "what does it mean,what does it mean,what does it mean?".....not that i'm speaking from experience or anything.....haha.....ha-ha.....h-a-h-a.....ugh...

What, what are the words

They use when they know it's over

"We need to talk," or"I'm confused, maybe later you can come over"

I would've held your mother's hand

On the day you was born

She runs through my veins

Like a long black river and rattles my cage

Like a thunderstorm

Oh, my soul

What does it mean?

What does it mean to be so sad?

When someone you love

Someone you love is supposed to make you happy

-ryan adams,"how do you keep love alive"

2005-05-27T15:20:00.000+08:00

how dangerous the rocks are....

out of exile

2005-05-27T14:53:00.000+08:00

austrailia requires you to earn points before you can gain permanent residency......and i thought that was just the stuff of cynical sarcastic rhetorical metaphors.....

so the days just started to get boring.....i feel outta my head.....but i realise i got a good handful of days before i have to start caring again.....only a fool would look forward to that with his arms wide open.....

ulysses wondered around for about 20 years before reaching home after the trojan war.....not all of us come back home to a caring wife who's fended off horny suitors for two decades and a prodigal son willing to defend our kingdom for us before he's a man.....

many a time,i've found myself feeling more like the son than the father......a lil of both through it all though.....still i wonder,where's my odyssy?what is my kingdom and what has become of it?cos i know i've defiantely left it behind.....the kingdoms of the men before me....the irrefutable tinged with the premature....my kingdom is within me.....my odyssy is in my mind's eye....and they are both what i choose to make them.....mutaully reliant.....
1
"to be yourself is all that you can do"

daily,we pass through the rocks where the sirens are perched......stare into the eye of the cyclops and try to blind it.....shelter the feeble and meek....most of all,we remember home and hope to get back to something.....even if it doesn't exist anymore.....it can be a part of our kingdoms.....

derived from another chapter........

1:audioslave-'be yourself' from the album out of exile

wires

2005-05-22T17:33:00.000+08:00

you draw blood on your finger tips.........

as we all do.......there's about a week left till i reintegrate myself into the school system and continue on my way to my dip.....killing myself slowly along the way.....but i'm kida looking forward to it la......i miss the routine......

anyways.....theres nothing new........

guess i'll just leave it that for now.....

"first night of your life,curled up on your own

looking at you now,you would never know"

2005-05-19T14:28:00.000+08:00

manic psycho-analytical prognosis of turbulance pertaining to alternate dimensions

closing in.....

2005-05-14T13:52:00.000+08:00

two weeks till school starts and i've got 3 books i still haven't finished reading and a girl i still haven't gone out with......not to mention various other unaccomplishments......

got fired yesterday cos the project wasn't going anywhere......its good i guess......getting the best of both worlds.....got a full 14 days to tie up loose ends......

heh.....just got a message.....my new timetable's out.....and theres no school on monday.....this is either a very good or very bad thing......

caught kingdom of heaven with roanne (somera) and reid (tan).......it was really awesome hanging out with my buds after so long.....the movie was excellent.....very poignant in times like these.....was thinking bout it the whole night.....as we sat in arab street later that evening......yesterday was an emotionally engaging day....i took the desire paths tour by local theatre company spell#7 too......it was really brilliant.....the audio narrative was cool and it conjured up a totally different dimension to little india.....awesome,i seriously suggest going for it....its only 18 bucks and you get to keep the cd......

lot of walking tho.....and i walked alot yesterday.....walking's good......allows time for meditation.....we walked from arab street to boat quay.....i was sweating like a mother but it was nice......the 3 of us never have awkward silences or uncomfortable conversations.....well........yeah.....

anyways.....i'm off to flip through a book or kill cuban gangsters......

oh yeah,before i forget........i've been compiling a mental list.....here it is:

top 5 cd's i've bought between may '04 and may'05:

artist album

the killers hot fuss

chevelle this type of thinking (could do us in)

athlete tourist

the streets a grand don't come for free

velvet revolver contraband

suck on that........

2005-05-04T21:24:00.000+08:00

'gosh i hope they don't smell that...'

2005-05-04T21:11:00.000+08:00

Running down corridors
Through automatic doors
Got to get to you
Got to see this through
I see hope is here in a plastic box
I've seen christmas lights reflect in your eyes

band:athlete
song:wires
album:tourist

now you know......

its been a good year.......makes me wonder.........then again,the year started in june last year.......ah,the bane of time to a poly student........

but really........stuff's been good.......i was talking to a close friend last night and she pointed out that i've done pretty good for myself seeing where i've come from (not literally you dirty bastards).........

i guess the realisation that struggle is a good thing came at the right moment........anyyyhoot.......if anyone wants chocolates,come over.......my mother just got back and reaffirmed my suspicion that we're willy wonka's long lost ceylonese relatives......

i'm off to play gta now.....mann.....think i'm addicted.......

down corridors.........

right here....

2005-05-02T00:41:00.000+08:00

before i get all whiny...........

www.one.org

check it out,its worth the 5 secs you spend to help make a difference.....

now,i've been trying to put my pen to paper for the past couple of days....to capture something thats been killing me........

whats it mean when i'm happy just to see you and spend time with you.....however little time that may be?

i could go on,but lets just leave it.....its been really long and as invigorating as all this is,in a heart-wrenching,gut-busting kinda way,i'm honestly quite tired........i wish you'd leave and take that pretty smile with you.......along with all i hold for you..........

on a lighter note,i've found two candidates for 'Udder Inc CEO's shoes'..........heheh......mann.......can't wait for my pay to come in....

nonetheless,material assests won't fill this void.......

i can't sleep at night
when you are on my mind
Bobby Womack's on the radio
saying to me
'if you think you're lonely now'
wait a minute
this is too deep
i gotta change the station
so i turn the dial
trying to catch a break
and then i hear Babyface
'i only think of you'
and its breaking my heart
i'm trying to keep it together
but i'm falling apart

by the bye,happy friggin labour day.........

ringing in my head

2005-04-21T20:37:00.000+08:00

its been an eventful seven days or so since my last post......

the job's killing me,but i'm seeing a different side of my lecturer......he's respecting me alot more.....haha.....we even had a beer just now.....he's alright.....

talked to someone i haven't spoken to in a long time.....and along with her came a promise that i should have learnt not to trust by now......its all a tad bit confusing......ah well.......she did help me gain some perspective.......i realised i'm not like that guy i was in secondary school anymore....and for the most part,its a good thing......

talked to this other fella i couldn't really stand since i was a kid....the poor dude bombed out for his A levels and is flying off to india to pursue more tangible alternatives......and i realised all those years of condescension didn't help him all that much......this was the perfect opportunity to throw back 10 years of all out hypocrisy and rudeness in his face and laugh my ass off at his sweet little downfall........and yet i sympathised......we all fall.....it didn't seem like much sense at the time to give him a full blown lecture on this and that and why he didn't make it (tho i know thats what i would have gotten from him). i listened to what he had to say and gave him a few kind words......it was a little sweet hearing him drop the pretensions......but its not like i was loving it......guess its cos i've been there and know better.......a little trauma does good after all eh?

was supposed to have a date today but she had to cancel....mann.....but its all good.....it was her little brother's 16th birthday......heh....

and I'LL BE DAMNED if i don't get my license anytime soon......this has gone too far......i'm all rusty cos u can't get a lesson for a month odd and i get one lesson of revision and BAM!

'its your assessment test'

and they give you a shitty car with a clutch that retracted like a whitehouse spokesperson......it was like i was stepping on a fat bitch for 2 hours.....mannn.....

and then you gotta wait another month till you get your next lesson.....

DAMN YOU SSDC!!!!!

there goes my plan of driving by the optometry block with my homies........

horrorscope

2005-04-16T11:54:00.000+08:00

jeez louise...........

get a load of this:

'Listen up for an interesting accent-the kind that reminds of a place you've always wanted to be in or a person you've always wanted to be with.Oh, and make sure your passport is current.'

the only interesting accent in my life belongs to the ang-moh fella who owns the shophouse i work in.i'm damned if i know what to make of this stuff....its all abit to perplexing yet somewhat assuring......oh well.....

anyways,works been though shite......my first 3 days on the job and i'm already staying back till 10 everyday.....wouldn't have it any other way tho.....the experience is good and little india isn't half as bad a place to work as most would imagine.....the good food is fattening me up.....heh.....

so yeah,i've been throughly burnt-out and i slept in abit today....moment i come online this dude with a typical mat-ish nick adds me on msn ([kaka-ineng]-evil at its purest)......turns out he's the instructor for the inaugural SP bagpipe club i signed up for.....this is exactly what happens when your stuck in a studio for 8 hours a day with no vent.......

this guy's a complete chump........talking shite like "we MAY have a practice this monday,i'm gonna fuck up SAA cos they aren't doing anything.....blah blah-whogivesafucking-blah".......

so i inform mr.sadsacks here that i can't make it cos i'm helping my lecturer with a project and can't make it on weekdays......and the mofo goes "and i'm helping my lecturer with a 140k goverment project"......jeeeeez.........and you teach people how to play the bagpipes in your free time?someone give the boy a cigarr...........good for you laaa!!!!

then he goes on about how 'simple' it is,and that he doesn't mind me missing lessons as long as i keep up......and how i gotta find someone to keep me updated......the thought of me NOT JOINING ever cross his mind?!

disclaimer:

i had a feeling noone would join so i just put my name down in all good fun. now i can't help but suspect its gonna be just me and some fat kid with acne and we're either gonna go on to win the state finals (which will be hard since singapore doesn't have any states,or bagpipe competitions for that matter) or dissolve into the lower echelons of SP's already dismal social ladder and proceed to give miss SP another chance to laugh her pretty lil' ass off at me......

oh well.....he'll learn...

2005-04-12T12:42:00.000+08:00

ladies and gentlemen,the lovely adriana lima

Just Four

2005-04-12T12:03:00.000+08:00

'alo 'alo 'alo......

i don't know how to start this off,but allow me to be cordially full of myself for the moment

('just for the moment?',you ask)

refer if you will,to my previous post.the last line in particular........well,yasin the bitch (thats the name in his ic mind you) answered the call and promptly got his arse served to him on a fine silve platter.........heheh.....good game man.....

anyways.......life's been pretty aight recently......its the nice 'relaxation period after the project' stage.....tho i occasionally wake up in a cold sweat with the incredible urge to render something,ANYTHING DAMMIT!!!

but i remind myself its all over and go back to sleep......man.....i feel like a vietnam vet......

so i caught 'beautyshop' on saturday with my boy yas........to every hetrosexual man reading this,YOU MUST WATCH IT FOR THE LOVE OF PETE!!!

the alicia silverstone & bryce wilson (sp?) dance scene kicks ass......unless you are not very well assured of your sexuality,that scene will make you shift in your seat at least 3 times.......

anyhooot......something life-altering has occured......my lecturer,Ling Hao, left me a message when i awoke from my prolonged slumber this morning......i called him back and the following proceeded (well,more or less la):

Ling Hao:(sound of someplace crowded like little india in the background)hello?

Me:ling hao?its sri,you asked me to give u a call?

LH:oh sri!hey man how're you doing?

Me:yeah i'm aight yo,why don't you cut the shiznit and tell me wassup playa?

LH:are you working?

Me:ain't working nth but this sweetass bee-yotch over,you know what i'm saying pfffftttt?!!

LH:alright good,would you like to work for me?

Me:(stifling a chuckle while recollecting fellow classmate's 'is he or isn't he' arguements)sure dawg you can hook me up yo its all good holmes.......

LH:alright,i got evon working for me already and i need you to start asap.....its basically a report thing for this project i'm doing and it'll run till your hols end.....and i'll take over from there.....

Me:i'm feeling you G,sounds tight yo........

LH:yeah,so could you come by tmw at 9?

Me:dawggg.....ain't no nigga waking up before noon for some interior design report shite yo why you trippin yo?!aight aight,tell youse what mann.....i'll come by for your sake......where's your hood at yo?

LH:jalan kerbau,behind little india.....

Me:(smacks head) that be the shiznit mann.....HOLLAAAAA....

LH:yeah,you know how to get there right?

Me:you insinuating i ain't familiar with my ethnicity yo?

LH:no no,pls don't bust a cap in my ass......

Me:thass right playa.......so G,whats the dress-code yo?

LH:something decent la.....not naked(i swear,doubt any part of this conversation but this line)

Me:what??no doo-rags and timberlands then?

LH: *click*

so there you go,i am now a contributing member of society (f**k me)...........

2005-04-11T01:09:00.000+08:00

heh......role-play......

hello there.......

2005-04-09T12:57:00.000+08:00

hey......how you doing?

sorry if its been so long......GTA:vice city has been eating up my time.....heh......

but anyways......school's over for now.....till frickin' may 30th.......thats a loooooong time man......

i've been trying to find things to do......just had a major revamp of my room......heh......hammered lotsa hooks into my walls......but alas,the main vision of having that harness that can suspend me from the ceiling is still unattainable.....for now......but someday......just you waitt.....

i also got the idea to spray paint a couple of areas of my walls.......got my mind made up on a picture of this brazillian supermodel, adriana lima (feel free to check her out, but just keep in mind, SHE'S MINE!) in a bra with angel's wings......its really hot.....i think i'll post it up later.....

besides that......nothing much has been going on.....

"what?" you ask......"no ranting on about your pathetic love life and awkward social interactions?!"........

yeappp.......its about time........heh.......

oh yeah,yasin,if your reading this,YOU OWE ME A GAME OF POOL BITCH!

and so once again......

2005-04-02T18:28:00.000+08:00

people piss me off.......

i mean......not everyone.....and not all the time......but alot of people alot of the time.......

ah well.....tis this be the life i am to lead no?

i'm kinda losing my blogging drive......sometimes,its really so much better to just shutup and think things thru......

but there has been something thats been biting away at me.......

everytime i meet someone special,theres suddenly no shortage of diversions and distractions......

i thought i had it down.....i was thinking bout someone alot more than i normally have been......and no its not that beauty-queen......i was disillusioned with that one.....

anyway.......so yeah......one person on my mind......then theres someone else the next day who stirs up old emotions just by tying her hair differently and being the person she is......the one who was on my mind is still there.....but........i'm distracted.....

then last night......there was someone else......and then there's someone else when i come online.......and i'll be damned if theres someone else before i go to sleep tonight.....

and its not all me by the way.....these chicks just suddenly decide to make themselves more prominent in my life at the wrong moments.....chance encounters.....a telephone call outta the blue.......small,subtle twists of fate conspire to make our paths cross when i'm doing just fine working on getting just one path crossed......

and all this in turn makes me doubt my feelings......its flattering really.....but i know it means absolute jack.......and i will be worse for wear at the end of it.....

ah well......what doesn't kill you..........

this years love....

2005-03-27T13:22:00.000+08:00

is synthetic simplicity........flux control........cement layered over steel......

had a good crit.....i shall not divulge.........lest i be tempted to gloat.........

but lets just just shelve this laurel away,in an upright position preferably,so i will not be drawn to rest on it........

had a good time with my boy yas yesterday......the two of us are sensative new age emo f**ks......i swear.....

and i will nvr forget.....how the bitch came back from 3-1 to beat my ass at pool......just u wait mann.....just u friggin waitttt.....

s0 anyways.....uneventful week.......did extremely well for my second year on the whole,celebrated my birthday with people i love,changed my guitar strings,cut down on excessively bad habits,had a good shot of alcohol injected into my system,bought a new cd,had my hair grow back to a tolerable level,shaken the cobwebs off my pool game,.............and still feel like there's smth missing.......

well don't we all......

ugly fat girls

2005-03-17T09:31:00.000+08:00

screw it........from now on,its only ugly fat girls for me......i'm sure the years of being made fun of and getting rejected would have built character........and i actually stand a chance.........

beauty queen stabbed me with her tiara.....

ouch....

2005-03-16T20:25:00.000+08:00

so i fought against every single ounce of my being to message her friend and ask about stuff.......

and i all i get is a lousy "i asked her and she's not interested".......

what the fuck.......she didn't even spell "not" properly.......the audacity of it all......

ah well.....i guess this is a lesson for us all boys and girls......play with fire and you get burnt.....

i was setting my sights way too high and setting myself up for a huge fall......there are things which are beyond our grasp......sigh......but at least i tried......

guess i wasn't good enough for her..........

a decade ago.......

2005-03-13T17:09:00.000+08:00

So pardon me while I burst into flames.
I've had enough of the world, and its people's mindless games.
So pardon me while I burn and rise above the flame.
Pardon me, Pardon me...Don't ever be the same.

pardon me

2005-03-13T16:26:00.000+08:00

ARGHHHH!!!!!!

sorry.....just needed to let that out......mannn....

i think i've reached the proverbial "burnout" stage......i can't do this anymore.....i mean,i can la.....but its a struggle.....

heh.....isn't it all?

i guess its cos i just really want to get this right.......its killing me.....being such a damn perfectionist.....

the programmes on the computer are vestibules of my innate desires.....my compulsion to subject myself to this....over and over again i plead with myself.....

"there has to be a way out"

i just keep pushing and pushing......and i forget how to be so many other things.....i just need this to be over......so i can make myself fine again.....

man..... sound like a bloody drama-mama......i'll keep my head up thru this....

'Cause I want to fight,

I want to fight,

I want to prove I'm right.

I want to fight,

So turn and forfeit.

anywayyyy......on a lighter note,i think i'm gonna die......

no,thats good news.......cos i think i'm gonna die from a major broken-ness of the heart (would u just look at all the concise medical termology)

i know i've been rather vague when its come to talking about chicks here,but allow me to be so bold.....

i have a thing for miss singapore-friggin-polytechnic......thats right.....

only thing is,i didn't know she was in the running till i flipped thru the campus newspaper.....i'd seen her before.....but always fleeting glances....but her image fried into my brain....

dammit....

and then later on,i find out my buddy shan knows her friend....

sho was telling me that i shouldn't be afraid and just go for it......

"she shouldn't become 'that girl' u didn't get a chance with"

how so very true......so here i am,going for it.......no preconcieved fears,no trembling hands,no paranoid intentions or self-conscious worries......its about time i start smth......

now if only i knew how........

2005-03-13T11:05:00.000+08:00

it means choice

finally...

2005-03-08T09:46:00.000+08:00

things have been abit siow....sorry......

anyhoot.....i'm on to the final stage of my project,

design phase-over

technical phase-over

modeling phase-over

now its just on to all the graphic shite......which is one of my favourites,so i'm getting ready for a righteous ass kicking......

i really don't know whats been happening to me......i'm actually enjoying my work......the lecturers actually called me a (gasp) workaholic......haha.....of all the things i've been called,and i've been called many things,i would have never imagined that word among the list.....

nonetheless,its good.....i think i'm actually growing up.....i'm realising what a bitch i've been and i got my drive.....heh.....the proverbial "mojo".....

so lemme hit u with an idea.......

due to my current (bad) financial status and future outlook, i'm thinking bout starting up abit earlier than expected....and a tad bit off the beaten track......i'm thinking bout going into smth on my own....materialising the exonerated "udder inc" and it's fellow consortium.....

(*disclaimer*-if u don't know me very well,u might have no goddamn idea what the hell i'm talking about)

a few guys in my course have done it already......check out their bitching website: www.creamsodadesign.com

by the way,i'm mentioning them cos they got slightly above par shite compared to most of the other half-arsed "designer" pepur out there.......they actually have original ideas and project themselves with much less than a truckload of glamourised graphics........i'm not mentioning them cos their in my course and i'm hoping to cash in on them(well,i think so lah)....

anyways......wish me luck,i got an essay to write and bout 5 panels to create....

understated is still a statement

2005-02-09T23:16:00.000+08:00

"have a great fucking night"

the glass is half empty......

2005-02-09T22:40:00.002+08:00

but i feel thats the way it should be.......in some aspects......

just watched alfie.....damn eye-opener......i'm not trying to sound like a player or whatnot,i honestly couldn't give a fuk about labels,but alot of the scenes mirrored situations i've been in......

i was hoping the movie might provide an answer.....to what exactly i'm not too sure....but it didn't la......it just ended.....no happy ending where the guy realises who "the one" is or whatever......he just gets all depressed at this bridge....and walks on.....

which is exactly what i'm trying to do.....but when you don't know where your headed,it all seems abit overwhelming.......

but i've come to realise,the answer lies in the right question.......

mannn.....i'm feeling all too melancholic right now......i don't know why,i've endured alotta shite......i've been thru the gauntlet.......but companionship,or a lack thereof,has been a constant plauge on my mind......

its shite la.....the way i've handled myself in matters of the heart.......mistakes......so many damn mistakes......i've been a fool.....

but i see how i've stayed true to myself for the most part.......and i honestly think that the regret is in vain......girls come and go.......so they say.....

nonetheless,damien rice songs are hitting me abit too hard,i need to find a way outta this........

looks like a nice long chat is in store tonight........

"sometimes i'm beautiful too"

the glass is half empty......

2005-02-09T22:40:00.001+08:00

the glass is half empty......

2005-02-09T22:40:00.000+08:00

go get your knife

2005-02-01T15:06:00.000+08:00

no,i'm not exhorting you to go on a killing spree.....i've been listening to the deftones' white pony recently......gooood shite.....

anyyyyway.....i left off with a pretty heavy entry last time around.....sorry bout that,just needed an outlet....i'm fine again.....

and i am aware now of how

everthing's gonna be fine one day

too late,i'm in hell

i am prepared now

seems everyone's gonna be fine

one day,too late,just as well

-seether, "fine again"

bitch'in song......

alright,so shite's been pretty good so far....i've managed to keep my mind off the usual shite lately and been killing myself trying to keep up with the pack in school.....and i came out on top....

well.....not really "on top".....but regarding everything,i'm in a good place to be and next term's gonna be a good run hopefully.....i've been fucking things up for way too long.....

man.....i'm practically flying right now.....i still remember the positive comments at the crit yesterday.....and the constructively negative ones too,lest i become complacent......

my laurels are not gonna be bed.....or my coffin......

i read a quote the other day and i messed with my head,but i digress,mixed with abit of practicality,it's smth to live by....

"if better is possible,good is not enough"

heh.....and i'm not even doing good.....

anyway,just to digress(what would this page be without the odd digression here and there?),i think i've got it down.....i think my lifestyle is no longer my deathstyle,to steal a line from jimmy hetsfield......i guess time will tell.....

but i realised,what doesn't kill you,makes you stronger.....its time i started listening abit more.....deepak chopra says we should learn to identify the spaces between.....i think the bugger stole that from dave matthews....nonetheless,the spaces stay,even if the thoughts,the sounds,the feelings leave......

i think i need to find my space......

-seether, "fine again"

2005-01-21T22:41:00.000+08:00

i sit here locked inside my head

its not supposed to be like this

2005-01-21T22:08:00.000+08:00

head up

someone found out something today from someone else......its not something i'm afraid to admit to......its not something that i'm not allowed to do.....but its something that i'm not all to proud of and would rather not share......

"someone else" is my mother.......

its funny how that fits so well.......i know she cares,and i know its frustrating being a single parent......but fuck it......i didn't make it as half as hard for you as you make it out to be......

what gives you the right to kneel down on a stage in front of everyone with the blood dripping from your palms,playing the sympathy game?making me out to be a beast of burden?

all i've tried to do is break free.......the umbillical chord chokes me as i sleep......and everytime i tug it seems to kill you inside.......is that why your trying to make me lay down?so you can cling to my warmth?so that i can sustain you?

i owe you that much don't i?its all i've ever been made to feel when it comes to you......I OWE IT TO YOU......for fucking me in the head.....for making me feel like this.....

i've had this discussion with the mandatory demons before.......i've walked this path.....

i'm old enough to realise now......this is family as i'll ever know it.....i'm supposed to be the protagonist.....the archetype.....the one.......i'm supposed to suffer you because you care......for all you've done for me.....

i'm old enough to realise now.....you have kept me alive this long......congratulations......as much as i know i would do it because its my duty to,you've played that little game of yours and turned it on me.....now i owe it to you....and i can't hold you up to my principles.....but somehow,i have to live up to your skewed ones........

so now,when you can't accept this,like everything else,you run.......you reach out for someone else who genuinely does care about me and drag them down......i see it now.....

i do owe it to you......i am my father's son.....this is all i'll ever know of as family......and you have kept me alive.......all i ask of you is to keep this sick ugly side of me concealed.....i can hide it from anyone else but you......

i do owe it to you......but i'll never know how i feel......

lost in the crowd,laying on the couch

2005-01-16T16:59:00.000+08:00

lethargy

if u say a word many times,like,constantly,it kinda loses meaning after awhile....

lethargy isn't like that.....the whole afternoon,i've been trying to make its meaning alien to me just so i could watch tv without the obligatory guilt i always feel.....but no matter how much u say it,the meaning still lies there.....like a dead lizard with independant wings......hanging in the air......the meaning is ingrained in my sore back from lazing on the couch too long......it flows thru me everytime i gulp down my coke(the drink....i swear!)......it covers me like a blanket of starch with the humidity seeping into my pores.....

someone make this stop.

its just that the thought of having to get up,clear the mess on my table and get around to doing my work seems so........uninviting......ugh......

which is why i'm here.....sigh.....

but i'm nearly there.....its a sunday afternoon phenomenon......i just can't do any work.....its physically impossible......ah well.....let me exercise the refrain.....

"i'll get to it in awhile"

before i tear myself away from this technological organ and attempt to be productive,let me reflect......

i got a new niece this week.....13th of january 2005......it was awesome seeing a newborn.....its like standing in front of a miracle....

i hit the wall.....thank u alisa.....cos,like u said,i got back up and designed smth super!
(officially the last time i will i ever use that word when not talking to a homosexual,i swear)

i had vivid dreams again.....i bet its the stress la.....whats weird is,i had a dream about someone who had a dream about me the night before......must get to the bottom of this.....

and finally,like a cherry on top of a peice of thosai,my bro faizal got to moving on to greener pastures instead of waiting for the sun to shine on his patch of soil......weirdly,i'm genuinely happy for u.....woah,could it be?heh......

alright.....that was a good way to waste twenty-odd minutes.....

"i saw it all before it came crashing down on me just like a dream.
but i still asked for more,its not your fault that i'm down on my knees."

we are the lucky ones

2005-01-10T20:52:00.000+08:00

guess its time to move onnnn......

time's been slipping away.......the "retail event"(god,i hate faris's project titles) has been a real ball-buster....

but as a good friend told me yesterday,"your supposed to hit a wall"......

h-a-h-a.......well,it is true la......but i think i've hit the all too familiar wall enuff to have one of those cartoon cutouts of my silluette ingrained into it's surface....

nonetheless,today was a good day.....i got the go ahead.....and i'm a-going ahead.....

as for the recent developements.....they're behind me now......i've been rather immature with the whole issue i suppose.....i was hurt.....but i'm fine again.....

i'm currently counting down the days to my "one year of singlehood".....yes....its been that long.....i'm planning on holding a ceremony at the padang.....wit a fly-past and all that jazz......

looking back on it all.....its funny how i keep thinking bout that one person after all this time.....

wait.....no.....its not that funny anymore....

this is the line

2005-01-03T14:26:00.000+08:00

this is the line......i draw it here......

_____________________________________________________

thats right bitch....

wish i knew

2005-01-01T19:50:00.000+08:00

all these words
none of which you'll ever see
it would just take a whisper
to show you what your doing to me
do you lay awake in bed
thinking about where i am?
so far away from here
reaching out for my hand?

i wish i knew
what he gives you that i don't
every moment i hold on to
seems like its nvr enough
i wish i knew
what it is about you
there's smth in your eyes,
that i just can't let go of

to be cont.....

cold hard floor

2005-01-01T19:26:00.000+08:00

*disclaimer*:

i spent the wee hours of the morning avoiding lesbians,taking a busride thru hell and sleeping on the floor......this post is half-arsed.....

ahh....new years eve.....the only day of the year i feel like a million dollars of crap......

but last nite was all good.....met up wit the original "bruddas wit no answers"......back in our bowen days,we were the coolest things next to smoking in the toilet....ah.....the golden years....

so i do suppose it was apt that we spent much of yesterday wandering aimlessly looking for a place to kick back and lepak.....as yasin would say....heh.....

we finally went into mad monks,only because cover was reasonable and it was close to midnight.....mad monks is a pretty cool place tho i must say.....the music's aight and noone there can play a decent game of pool......i stayed at the table for three games and only lost cos i was tired of winning and wanted to join the other two on the dance floor and complete the "trinity of dancing retards"......

so i head down to the floor and within ten mins,yas is asking me to dare him to hit on a lesbian couple.....so i did......turns out my bros thought that the female was really hot and just asked me to dare him cos they needed a slight nudge.....and silly old me thought they were monkeying around.....

of course,thanx to my (un)luck,i got to dance wit the butch the for the most part.....until the chick told reid smth that made his face go kinda funny.....after a couple of songs,we made a temporary exit and the two of them proceeded to dissect the encounter while i enjoyed a good ol' can of Breda Beer......the only thing that wasn't more expensive on new years eve.....

we took the nightrider back to my place and i fell aslp on the floor.....the rest of the day has been a slow blur of sleep and chocolates.....

ahhh.....what a way to kick off the year.....

i already knew

2004-12-29T15:43:00.000+08:00

last nite was crap....

it was one of those sit-down-and-listen-to-depressing-music-in-a-dark-room nites.....

u know,its ok when ppl kinda pressure u in some minute ways to do things or if u feel pressured by external forces.....but it ultimately sucks when YOU pressure yourself.....

what am i so afraid of?i don't even really like this chick.....yet my pride dictates that nows about the time i start smth.....

yet.....theres always smth holding me back.....

when i was younger (i.e:about 2 weeks ago) i mistook this for cowardice.....then valour....but its neither....when a lil tremor in your gut tells u smth is wrong,its about all you have and u should listen to it....no,it does not have a name.....i'm refraining from calling it my conscience as of yet.....

the native americans believe you always have an animal spirit guiding u,and when u come of age you should go and discover which spirit it is by getting high and hallucinating in the forests......they also believe that their ancestors guide em......maybe this is what i have....i got enuff dead ppl to back me up.....

whatever it is,it works for me.....not that i pay heed to it.....thats still smth i have to learn i suppose...

which is why i made a complete arse of myself last nite....never before,and never again,will i ever top what i did....all because i was too carried away wit my foolish pride and dumbass pseudo-logic.....

ya know what?

screw this shite......its time i stopped all this nonsense....it isn't getting me nowhere.....

mann.....if i had a slap in the face for everytime i've said that.....

waachaa!!

2004-12-29T15:39:00.000+08:00

girls suck....

2004-12-21T21:41:00.000+08:00

i have resolve.....recent developments have heartened me....

here's some shite i've affirmed/reaffirmed over the past few days.....

alexander is a good movie.....watched wit my bro yasin on sunday....didn't realise how much i missed the bitch....haha.....but good friends are like that....we can go for months without hooking up and everything will be normal within five mins.....

i do not need a woman.....i can hear the exasperated groans.....shutup....

prayer helps....when the shite hits the fan,i can still close my eyes and listen to the silence.....

if your an arse,you better watch out for a tumultuous penis cos you can fucked anytime......

and lastly,i have the best relatives i anyone could ask for.....it was really cool hanging wity cousin on saturday night and i realised that,contrary to what i'd like to believe,i'm not all alone in this.....he's got my back and i got his.....tho i generally have a smaller back than he does(lay off the pandan cake mannnn...)

i'd also like to take this opportunity to say that i have officially ended my 3 week fast and damn son,there isn't a damn thing in this world which tastes better than meat....hmmm....k....maybe just ONE thing....heh.....

watch yourself

u make me feel like.....

2004-12-19T01:11:00.000+08:00

shite......

uneventful week.....back to school......same ol shite,different day......oh....no......wait.....

there was that one phonecall.....

in retrospect,it must have meant nth.....but the memory remains slightly tainted at most nonetheless.....the way she said "maybe i'll find someone better......like you."
and then with the giggling.......its been so long since i've even thought of her......but i know how her game is played.....that phonecall.....that drop of a small hint,barely noticeable......the way she acted like everything i said was so goddamn interesting......

the ball's in my court now......either i score or throw it over the rafters......

but whats a man to do.....its like mandatory.....everytime i start getting really into someone,some other one has to come along and mess wit my hed......i'm not a greedy person.....but i am a jerk.......or at least have the capacity to be one.....

so the age old adage is exhausted......give a man more than he needs and he still wants more.....reminds me of this ancient aztec story bout how the ox was sent to us to tell us that we could have one meal every three days but ended up saying we could 3 meals everyday.....

i could live on one meal a day.....but then again.....whats so sinful bout dessert too?

this time.....the little voice isn't being as big of a bitch as it once was......and i seriously couldn't care bout this other chick.......so what if i only had like the biggest crush on her?so what if there were at least 3 seperate occasions where i could have,would have,should have but didn't pursue stuff?so what if she's a part-time model,aspiring flight stewardess and has the most beautiful eyes i have ever seen?so-friggin-what?

this was all just a vent.....at the end of the day,all it comes down to is.......my gut.....

there is nth wit the aforementioned......she's like a cool autumn breeze on a hot day.....

i hope my instincts aren't right.....i hope the way she smiles and sms's someone else is just a cute trait and not smth else....i hope i'm not being taken as some kinda shmuck......i hope this isn't just about me being some endeavour to be accomplished and then thrown aside as a "been there done that" piece of shite brudda......God......how i hope....

this......is about pride.....how it breaks me......

don't cross the crooked step........

get these fuckers outta my hedspace

2004-12-13T17:54:00.000+08:00

'scuse the language.....its a lyric.....

3 things....

school has started......faris was off to a banging start....we found out yesterday was his birthday....the fella's 33....dude.....but yeah.....the project brief was handed to us the moment we stepped in the door....no.....really....this isn't funny anymore.....and to start off the semester on tinged nerves,he had to give us grp work.....i hate grps......i always end up doing too much or too little....mostly the former....and this time around,i'm the only friggin guy.....mannn....but i shall survive....workload isn't half as demanding as last sem's.....

i had dinner at the riz-fuckmesideways-carlton on sat nite.....a wedding reception....mann....i knew i should have combed my hair nicer.....but seeing the familia was a blast.....seeing some other arse-faced fucks was abit agrivating......all along waiting for the downfall motherfuckers.....

the third thing is the scariest.....i think.....i'm.....well.....have u ever been to pulau ubin?i last went there a looong time ago.....and i spent quite sometime there.....i liked it....always looked for a reason to go back but fate and lady luck were nvr on my side......but...yeah....now....i think i'm on the bus....

(disclaimer:highly metaphorical the above was......just to put it simply,i'm not really going to pulau ubin,i'm talking about relationships)

(not of the sexual kind)

(i think i best end here with a shred of dignity and my foot only halfway in my mouth)

y'all come back now y'hear?

2004-12-06T19:25:00.000+08:00

the killers.....oooh....scary....

-_-

2004-12-06T18:56:00.000+08:00

Well somebody told me
You had a boyfriend
Who looks like a girlfriend
That I had in February of last year
It's not confidential
I've got potential

heh.......

hot fuss by the killers.....buy it.....

opening up my eagle eyes

2004-12-05T21:27:00.000+08:00

forget the previous ramblings....cast it aside....if you can....

last nite(or rather,this morning),as i snuck back in,something akin to an epihany hit me.....

its not about wanting what is "ideal".....its about wanting what i cannot have....

it was my pride which hurt me more.....

so it seems.....the world takes on a brighter hue and i can move off in a better direction...

this is not the end......someone's gonna do smth to make me feel messed up again.....but for now......its all good.....

in case u were wondering,

the catalyst was a beautiful picture......

2004-12-04T15:05:00.000+08:00

so tell me why....u don't feel this way....

collective soul is the shiznit for saturday afternoons man....heh....

man...this week has been a total bitch....been working my arse off for bizlink and been handed a good deal of pats on the back as well as kicks in the pants....

but hey,thats "the working world" for you......how bitter and blind we have become as slaves to our pathetic needs to believe in the sterotypes and blend our perception.....

sigh.....

so yeah.....i guess i'm still somewhere else.....thinking....and thinking....

was listening to the cd i burnt just before the last time i went to KL....the whole way on the bus i was thinking bout one person.....and i was dying to get back home the moment i got there....but i had my fun....heheh.....and then i got back home and died in a different way altogether.....

sigh......

but yes,thats all been chronicled well enuff on my previous blog(i will love you till the day i die,blah blah blah.....)....

but its sad how the memories come back when u need them the least....the feelings i thought were gone.....

maybe i've been unfairly brain-washed by the media to desire what is "ideal".....maybe i didn't have enuff emotional support growing up....maybe i've had bad experiences with women and bring this shite upon myself.....but is it wrong to adulate what fills the void....to want what makes u feel content?

i'm trying hard to forget......but it really sucks when i'm back where i was so many months ago and not wanting to....

anyhoot,to put an appropriate ending to this extreme downer of a post,i've learnt to deal wit all this crap,and i got more impt things on my mind.....but...it just sucks sometimes.....

and i swear the first time i saw your face

i knew noone else could ever take your place

2004-11-25T23:14:00.000+08:00

Rest In Peace Mr.Cash

2004-11-25T22:47:00.000+08:00

i hurt myself today.....to see if i still feel......

i guess i do....which is a bad thing....

last nite was supposed to be a good nite....and it was...i had wonderful company and whatnot...
but as i sat down in the theatre,i recalled a lyric to a song i wrote....and i inquired internally if it still applied....the answer was a timid "well,if i had a choice....." from somewhere around my kidneys.....

i know barely any of that makes sense....heh.....

so the days wear on at bizlink....can't believe chloe echoed my sentiments so clearly....we were both very very afraid of having jobs like what we had now for the rest of our lives.....

i can hear some dejected metal band vocalist inmyhed as i lay to waste in my cubicle everyday....

chevelleis on constant rotation....

Well, if they're making it (Making it)

Then they're pushing it (Pushing it)

And they're leading us...along

three little lines encapsulate our existance so well.....

don't u wanna feel smth?

2004-11-20T16:02:00.000+08:00

this barren room fills full

its been a week since my niece left.....wish i could say there's a void waiting to be filled,but i honestly love the solitude....it is my present.....

things have been a-changing......new people in my life,new experiences.....what with work and all that......

and i wonder if everything could be this good forever....

i feel like i don't have to be dictated by circumstance anymore....and possibilites are opening up.....i feel like i'm growing and my surroundings are accommodating.....or maybe i'm just adapting well....

was watching this show bout a tattoo artist and this school teacher who just broke up with her boyfriend of eight years(only on hallmark eh?)

it was pretty cool how they interjected real-life stories about ppl and their tatts into the show....the exploration of why we shade our skin was subtle but satisfying......made me feel like running out and getting another done....heh.....

he was contributing the view that tatts are also to capture the "here and now"......i always thought that was a great reason....

BUT.....i have time....and no money...funny how those two are always in agreement or at ends....

i think one the best pieces of advice i've heard was from lynard skynard's "simple man",which basically is a boy recalling what his momma told him.

"Take your time,don't live to fast.Troubles will come,and they will pass."

i think we increasingly tend to forget to remember who we are,and more importantly at times,how we should live at times......

reduced to being pathetic reactionists to cirumstances beyond us.....do we try and touch the opaque?or do we sub-consciously hope to die in fall?

heh....aight,enuff of that.....i'm outta here....

2004-11-10T21:55:00.000+08:00

heh....its been awhile since i've done this.....must be rusty....

as i sit here typing this,my niece and her grandmother,my mother,are having a thrilling conversation about why it is/isn't time to go to sleep and why she has to pack up her toys(my niece,not my mother)....

she's telling me she's gonna be a pop star when she grows up....

i must admit....despite how much she's been irritating me,i think i just might miss the lil monkey when she leaves....

its just the little things....like how she'll sit on my lap and try and read what i'm talking to my friends about online....and how she fell asleep on my lap on the bus that time....and how she tells me she's not tired,like she's doing now, and proceed to fall asleep within 15 mins.....sigh.....

its weird....she's not even my kid....but i want the best for her....i want her to fall and scrap her knees and get hurt so that she can be strong for herself....and i want to protect her....i want her to make it big and not be afraid to dream....i want her to be able to stand up tall and be wise and lead while others follow....

i want her to be everything i'm not.....more than anything i can be.....her eyes hold the promise of too many things....she will nvr loose that.....

heh....would u just look at me.....

the lil punk's getting sleepy.....so i best be off....

a black hole....could this be the one?

by the way,the new chevelle album rocks.....buy it.....

ignition

2004-11-01T01:16:00.000+08:00

so yeah....this is my 2nd blog.....man......i feel so primary school-ish....."hello my name is sri and this is my blog and i hope u all enjoy it...blah blah friggin blah".....fact of the matter is,i missed having the outlet...and my engrish was getting damn terok....and blogspot is alot better than my previous server cos i can put up pics(trust me,its a big deal for me) and the whole process of editing your blog and all is much easier.....and another part of me wants a new beginning...*cue sad opera music*...so yeah....stay tuned...if u wanna....

2004-10-31T18:03:00.000+08:00

waddup?

2004-10-29T12:52:00.000+08:00

just trying this out....